MESSAGE RECEIVED. Friends, Marriage, Bipolar Disorder, and Hearing God.
He had to stick out his foot and trip her before it dawned on her that he was actually trying to tell her something. This was not the average “he”, this was HE, this was God and she had never heard Him before.
To be honest, she had no idea what it meant when people said that God spoke to them. She could not wrap her literal mind around this statement. God had never talked to her, which added another slice of bologna to the whole idea. How was it even possible?
She was naive about God and she knew it, but staying naive and silent felt safer than being exposed and feeling stupid. She blamed no one for her lack of understanding, she simply accepted it. Her path was well worn, comfortable, and under her control. She was a mother and a wife. She worked, took care of her home, and controlled her unraveling life the best she knew how. She accepted the choices she had made and denied every day that something was terribly wrong.
To be candid, this message from God did not hit her heart like a lightening bolt, oh no… in fact it was close to a year before the epiphany was realized. Her faithless innocence did not understand that God does not talk to you audibly, with a deeply, powerful voice from heaven; although that’s what she imagined. God sometimes talks to you through other people, she had just never had the ears to hear it.
You see, her marriage was falling apart, for reasons she didn’t understand, or even knew existed. Fear and panic had crept from her mind to her body, though she had never interlaced her anxiety with her crumbling marriage. There was a 20+ year mirage stretched out in front of her and she had lost touch with reality. It was about that time new neighbors moved in next door. Little did she know that God wanted to show her something…
CHAPTER 2
Hiding in plain sight; it’s a high stake game of internalized fear, loneliness, and lost friendships. At least it was for her. She couldn’t pinpoint when the game had begun, most of the time she didn’t realize she was playing. She knew, however, when she was losing. Losing felt like drowning, and drowning made her panic.
She didn’t have many friends, especially confidants. She rarely talked to God, except to cry and complain, and she didn’t think that was fair, even to Him. Her husband was her best friend. She was ignorant, however, to the instability, folly, and brokenness of the hands in which she placed her loyalty and trust. Something was wrong, but she had forgotten what right felt like. Life with him was her normal, her obscure comfort zone. She was blind to how scared she was in her normal, how sad she was. She told no one. Why would she?
Without intention she began pushing everyone out. Her friends, her family; they all went to the outside of her box. She pulled closer the only rock she knew, her husband. She grabbed onto him a little tighter; constantly slipping, frequently panicking, but holding on for dear life. It was no longer safe outside her box. Panic was her new normal. She had never heard of bi-polar disorder. Then Claire and John moved in next door…
Claire floated into her life, like a feather might; slow, gentle, and steady. When her wind shifted, Claire shifted coarse too. She was easy to talk to, and the perfect degree of persistent. Claire was her angel, though she wouldn’t realize it until long after she had moved away. She was a lantern in her dark existence, and she was her friend. Claire had a full life, happy children, a silly, romantic husband, and she knew Jesus. She wore no mask and had no filter, and it was so refreshing. She was the friend who didn’t have to knock, never had to call, and never got pushed around.
When she told her that John was bi-polar, she was expecting questions. Claire explained to her what “manic” was. It was a new term, but she was somehow glad she now knew it. Claire told her that John had been taking a bi-polar prescribed medication for 12 years, as long as they had been married. For an unknown, unforeseen reason John had announced to Claire that he had decided, now, to discontinue his medication. John was putting his wife, and her, on alert. She could not have predicted what that meant. God was about to shine His light.
CHAPTER 3
She didn’t know he was falling. She had been warned that he might, but she didn’t recognize it. When she imagined falling, she thought of down, not up. John was falling up. Her happy, social neighbor was now more happy, more energetic, and always smiling. John showed up at her breakfast table each morning for a chat, and at 5:00 had a beer in his hand and an extra in his pocket. Her husband was on cloud nine. You see, in his world drinking was strongly encouraged. Alcohol was the glue that bonded many of his friendships. She was only a short time away from understanding the fine line between alcohol and medicine.
She noticed Claire’s spiral before she became aware of John’s. Claire was worried; slowly sinking, holding tight to her children, and quietly escaping into seclusion. John, on the other hand, was unstoppable, in-charge, and had ideas that were going to change the world. John’s visions were vast, diverse, and able to move mountains. He rarely slept, his mind just raced. He talked so fast, bragging, and stumbling from one big idea to another… it was then, just like that, her brain collided with her heart. Like destitute rising, a goosed-pimpled chill ran up her spine to the back of her head. She recognized this. It was different, but frightfully the same. She looked at her husband, she looked back at John, and then she went upstairs and phoned Claire. No answer.
There is another world behind closed doors. Not only had her neighbor’s doors closed, but also their blinds, curtains’ and communication of any kind. It was days, maybe a week, before she knew that John was gone. He had disappeared both mentally and physically leaving a reckless, sick path of destruction and heartache. The police had surrounded Claire’s house. She finally answered her phone. John’s big ideas had not moved mountains, they had devastated and altered her friend’s life as she knew it.
Manic has many degrees, no time limit, and wears unrecognizable, often scary masks. What occurred, what transpired is Claire’s story to tell, not hers. In the end, her friend moved away. It was the hardest goodbye she ever cried. Claire was her angel entering her life to show her a reflection of her own. A God-sent moment of clarity for her, and a testimony of trust for Claire and John. You see, they survived. They started over, rebuilt their marriage, and loved stronger through it all.
This was the end of the beginning of her redemption journey. It has been eight years. Her eyes drift up from the pen and paper in front of her and into long ago. She doesn’t like walking backwards, but she’s not ashamed of where she has been, and she is proud of how far she has come.
